Why They Hate Us…… Haters of American Exceptionalism
Well it seems the world is mad as ever with the land of the free. We’ve got all the usual suspects lining up to take a crack at us on scales both macro and micro. From Kim Jong-Un and his rag tag gang of brainwashed peasants to Muslims weaponizing grandma’s crockery to every tragically hip teenager on earth thinking it’s just so very cool to be not cool with America, it seems we’ve really done it this time.
So Mr Un…or Mr Jong-Un…is Jong his middle name? We’ll call him Kim. Mr. Kim seems to be really proud of the progress he and his Dad have recently made getting North Korea all nuked up. He’s got a lot of stern looking men with medals marching up and down the block now and the whole country is feeling the buzz. Never mind that like pretty much everything, America got there first. Never mind that we did it when Glenn Miller was topping the charts. When a place like North Korea finally gets the bomb a lifetime late you can count on a state funded parade or twelve. It’s a shame they can’t keep their lights on at night. No wonder we were suspicious when they said all that plutonium was for power plants. Google ‘North Korea satellite night’ for a lesson and a laugh. Check out capitalist South Korea while you’re at it. Judging by nocturnal lumens alone, I’d say they’re a good deal happier in the south. They probably have showers on the regular and everything! Fancy pants southern capitalists…
What about the rest of the world? They all hate us too, but they don’t saddle up with that distinctive Asian fervor. They behave themselves like good Europeans. They cast slanderous words in our general direction and congratulate each other on how civilized they are. Europe is the land of enlightenment folks! It’s a wondrous place where a white collar crime will land you life in prison and murdering your family is worth fifteen years. But those barbaric Americans are only a young people, don’t you know? They’ll learn from Spain or Greece how to run a country properly. They seem to forget that America is older than most European countries (when understood as the same governing system still working in the same place for the same people, not as ‘this dirt has technically been lived on by more recorded generations but under half a dozen failed governments with shifting borders and multiple monikers’). Sorry Europe, you don’t get to call existence enlightenment. By that thinking we would all be the same age and your opinions would still matter not at all.
Why am I sounding off about all this? Because I live in Scotland and I’m the only guy I know who thinks like me. I find it makes me all the more vocal. The Scottish people are a very proud bunch, going so far as to shout profanity in their local movie theaters when Mel Gibson interpreted their history for them back in 1995. Damn those English! Damn them so hard! Well, fair enough. I have friends in Scotland who are as deeply sentimental about their Scottish heritage as I am about my American heritage. They stand around in the latest Air Jordan’s sipping a McDonald’s milkshake and tell me how glorious it is to be Scottish. Then they plop their Levi’d butts down for a Friends marathon on Comedy Central. I know this because they post it on FaceBook, from their iPhones. These people had Scottish ancestors but these days the most Scottish thing about them is their willful mispronunciation of most monosyllabic nouns. If you’re Scottish home is haym, clothes are claythes, do is dae, paid is pied, town is toon and floor is flare. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is ‘no’, door is most certainly NOT dare. No, I don’t know why and no, I’m not kidding.
America is where it’s at in every meaningful way and I think a lot of people are just angry because they are irrelevant. As much as your friendly local democrat may go on about a global neighborhood, it ain’t. America still stands head and shoulders above everyone else. We have the highest GDP, the most innovation and the strongest national identity. Whatever a Czech might be, there is no mistaking what an American is. I’ll admit that seems to be changing and in fifty years we may just be a bigger UK with a better history. But for now we’re still America. We’re on our high horse because we still have one and everyone else has traded in for a mule. We call the shots that matter and other countries are left with only a regional dialect or a hilarious outdated garment to identify them. It’s sad, but it’s what you get when you haven’t done anything that matters to anyone in hundreds of years.
The world wears jeans, not kimonos. The world likes rock and roll, not sitars. Despite popular misconception, man did not walk on the moon. America did. It was a space RACE and we won as usual. We’re the same people who flew, broke the sound barrier, split the atom, invented the internet and every relevant use for it. We created cinematography and still rule that and all other creative fields. Anyone who has ever seen French cinema will attest to this. People come to us for entertainment and inspiration. They also come to us when their medicine fails. They come to us when they’re being conquered by that big bad nation their civilized peace talks didn’t convince and they come back again when they need an over-achiever to hate. They think we’re just too cool and they’re right. We are America. We don’t care what you have to say because you are not America. You’re just some place that makes funny wooden shoes or spicy food or pretentiously minimalistic lounge furniture, and that’s ok. But don’t hate us because we’re beautiful. Or do, whatever